Saturday, April 15, 2006

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Getting Rid of Rumsfeld: A Timeline



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And now a report from the Department of Homeland Wizardry

We here at The Blogaroni have taken out our crystal ball, which has been fairly specific on the future of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense.

Rumsfeld, widely blamed for his management of the occupation of Iraq, has recently become the focus of uncharacteristically blunt assessments from former American military generals who had served in Iraq.

His future in the Bush Cabinet looks especially shaky. So we here at The Blogaroni went to our Clairvoyant Services Division, which outsourced the job to this gentlemen you see above.

Here’s how the future is shaping up for Rummy:

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April 13 — Six former American generals call for Rumsfeld to step down. White House spokesman Scott McClellan responds: “The president believes Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a very fine job during a challenging period in our nation’s history.”

April 15 — Six former White House spokesmen call for McClellan to resign.

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April 16 — New Gallop poll reveals 47 percent of Americans believe Rumsfeld should resign for handling of Iraq war, and 78 percent of Americans think that somebody at American Idol should resign for allowing Mandisa to be voted off show.

April 17 — Rumsfeld responds to critics, saying, “Do people want me to resign? You bet’cha. Will it happen any time soon? Don’t count on it.”

April 18 — Mandisa makes surprise appearance at Bush Cabinet meeting, and sings You Are the Wind Beneath My WIngs to surprised Donald Rumsfeld.

April 19 — Rumsfeld under fire for comments, “Am I glad Mandisa sang for me? Absolutely. Would I have preferred Bucky Covington? You bet’cha. But sometimes you’ve got to go with the American Idol contestants you have, rather than the American Idol contestants you want.

April 20 — Colin Powell’s op-ed piece in The New York Times entitled “Things I should have said three years ago” renews pressure on White House to remove Rumsfeld.

April 21 — Katie Couric taken hostage in Najaf. President George W. Bush’s approval ratings in handling of war goes up.

April 22 Emboldened by numbers, Bush makes foreign policy speech in front of The Association of Heavily Screened White Republicans in Omaha, Nebraska. He defends Rumsfeld, saying he’s been doing “a heckuva job.”

April 23 — Sean Hannity says military generals who criticize Rumsfeld “just hate America.”

April 24 — American Idol contestant Bucky Covington calls for Rumsfeld to step down. War approval ratings take dive.

April 25 — The Coalition of Iraq War Amputees calls for Rumsfeld’s resignation. No change in polls.

April 26 — Rumsfeld appears on Larry King Live, but bumped for second half of show due to fortunate late booking of actress Angela Lansbury.

April 27 — Rumsfeld approval ratings down after his King-interview comment: “Do I care about what Iraq war veterans say about my performance? Absolutely not. Do I just have to please the president and vice president? WIthout a doubt.”

April 28 — Bush awards Rumsfeld Medal of Freedom, increasing speculation that he may be losing job.

April 29 — White House spokesman Scott McClellan calls speculaton about Rumsfeld’s ouster “simply ludicrous”, adding that Rumsfeld has full faith of president.

April 28 — In surprise annoucement, McClellan steps down as White House spokesman “in order to spend more time with my family.” His replacement to be named soon.

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April 29 — Conservative Republican hottie Bo Derek appointed as new White House spokesperson. She meets press, taking no questions, but giving photographers 15 solid minutes.

May 1 — White House spokesperson Bo Derek calls Rumseld’s performance “an 8,” during news conference in which, at one point, she appeared to intentionally douse herself with glass of water at podium.

May 3 — Positive bump in Rumsfeld’s approval rating.

May 5The Washington Post reveals Vice President Dick Cheney authorized leak of domestic spying on retired American generals who have been critical of Rumsfeld. The spy reports reveal that three of the generals went to see the movie Brokeback Mountain.

May 7 — The Rev. James Dobson from Focus on the Family announces that recent revelations prove that move to stop Iraq War is an elaborate plot and part of “the gay agenda.”

May 8 — Rumsfeld comments: “Henny penny, is there a gay agenda against me? You bet’cha. Will it affect the way I continue to ignore criticism? Not a chance.”

May 10 — Hostage video of Katie Couric released. Remarkably, Couric still looks perky.

May 12 — Saddam Hussein interrupts his own trial to state what he thinks should happen between Rumsfeld, some unspecified goat and car battery with jumper cables.

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May 14 — Zogby poll finds 43 percent of Americans agree with Saddam Hussein’s remarks, and the number goes up to 48 percent when question is asked with 12-volt battery, rather than 6-volt.

May 18 — Bush spends day meeting behind closed doors with Republican congressmen who urge him to make change at Defense Department.

May 30 — Obscure 34-year-old blogger living with his parents breaks story that Bush White House has begun looking into outsourcing Rumsfeld’s job to Dubai firm in United Arab Emirates. Rest of media, which has known it for days but too timid to say anything, pounces on story — relieved that it’s finally fair game.

June 2 — Press Secretary Bo Derek complicates denial by saying, “The Dubai Brothers? Are they even a band anymore?”

June 5 — Faced with mounting pressure, Vice President Dick Cheney summons Bush to his secret lair to tell him it’s time to let Rumsfeld go, and that Dubai deal is off.

June 7 — Rumsfeld announces sudden need to “spend more time with my family.” He says his resignation has nothing to do with being pressured to leave. “Did I talk to the president on a daily basis about the war? You bet. Did he seem to be paying attention to anything being said? Absolutely not.”

June 8 — Bush summons reporters to Oval Office to announce his appointment of next Secretary of Defense, White House counsel Harriet Miers.

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